memories...
They are so vivid, jarred into my mind.
one detail
and I break down.
We were driving to town to get some things, just me And Mom, who was 20 weeks expecting with my second little sister. When she said, "I'm just going to go to the ER and assure myself she's okay, I haven't felt her much lately.". It had been a really busy couple of days always on the run somewhere.
We arrived, and waited until they called us back. The Doctor tried with a doppler first- nothing. So she went back to get an ultra sound. In that time I stayed in the room and prayed, giving her to the Lord, and praying for peace and His will to be carried out. But still, I would've never even imagined that something really was wrong. I had a mysterious peace the whole time though.
The nurse brought Mom back, and the Doctor came in to tell us right away.
"Did you find the heart beat?"
"No. I'm so sorry."
"No!"
She started sobbing, and I just stood there, unable to grasp what we were just told.
I told Mom she was with Jesus now, only a few minutes after we received the news. And that was the hardest thing I've ever brought myself to say. So much trust in a few words.
We cried together for a long time, then Mom called Dad, and her Midwife, who told her what she could expect.
We went home and told everyone. I remember the sudden reality of never being able to hold my little sister alive until I get to heaven. I sobbed on that ride home.
The next morning was New years day, 2016. So many smiles and tears that day.
It was decided I would go with Dad and Mom to the hospital. I wrote in my journal every chance I had and did updates. I posted on my blog asking for prayer. I read my favorite scripture over and over. {{Luke 8:50}} 12 hrs later things weren't looking good.
But a little after, 11:51 p.m Mom called for the nurses, and a few moments later I saw my little sister.
She was 11.5 oz, and 8.5 in. And the most perfect angel I've ever seen. Her nose looked just like Lilliana's, and I could tell she would've had the cutest personality! Her ears were perfectly formed, tiny hands and feet with little finger nails. And little tiny eyes and eyebrows.
She was perfect. Nothing was wrong with her, she just stopped breathing.
She was so active on the ultra sound, and even waved at us! The lady kept telling us how perfect she was, how strong and healthy little Faith was.
I remember sobbing after she was born, I felt like I'd never stop crying and my eyes burned. I controlled myself though, and tried to be brave for Mom when she needed us most. I got her foot prints in my journal.
We brought her home, and everyone held her. Everyone still talks about her often, and Lilliana will often say, "I'm saving this dress for baby Faith, for when we get to heaven!".
We buried her under our weeping willow tree, in our front yard. <3
I couldn't ever call her a miscarriage. We saw her, held her, and loved her more then I knew was possible. Any loss is hard. She was born sleeping. A still born. (Doctors wouldn't call her that since she wasn't full term.)
To this day I can't sing the song 'It is well' without crying. I miss her more than words could describe.
When mom got pregnant with Micah, both of us struggled. I bought a doppler and checked his heartbeat whenever mom wanted. We named him very early. We cherished everyday.
Our hearts still ache with sadness
And secret tears still flow.
What it meant to lose you
No one will ever know.
I love you little sister <3
