When they see me, do they see You?

Sometimes I think what will people say of me when I'm only just a memory,when I'm home where my soul belongs. Was I love when no one else would show up? Was I Jesus to the least of those? Was my worship more than just a song? Am I proof that You are who you say You are, that grace can really change a heart? Do I live like Your love is true? People pass, and even if they don't know my name is there evidence that I've been changed? When they see me, do they see You? I want to live like that and give it all I have so that everything I say and do points to You. if love is who I am then this is where I'll stand. Recklessly abandoned, never holding back. I want to live like that!!

How is Project Love going for y'all?
What are 4 things your doing to show a little extra love?? 😊


quick post || Nothin's quite 'normal' right now...

I'm just signing in real quick to give y'all a brief update on current happenings. Everyhtings is carzy but a very special time I am cherishing.
Me and my wonderful mother went up to NE the 14, and came back with the two Grandmas the 15th. While we were up there we saw our Aunt who was prego, but 9 hours later wasn't so prego...!!!!!!!
 We got to cuddle her on Monday,  pics will be coming soon! She is so adorbs, and only 6 little pounds! (she was a month early)
So I have 2 days left until I go to AR for a week to help a family with 5 children and a 3 week old baby. Hopefully in July I'll get back into a routine with blogging.
So yes this is SHORT but I don't have much time for posting. I'm trying to spend as much time with my family as I can. I'm realllyyy working on not feeling homesick when I'm away from everybody...usually after just 2 days I'll completely lose my appetite and this will be the longest time I will have ever been away from my family...I hope that doesn't sound super lame!! I've just always been like that. So I'm praying and reminding myself that it is to bless someone else! <3 <3
And that's it i just wanted to let y'all know I'm alive and will hopefully catch up on y'alls blogs sometime in July!!


I GOT A BP CUFF + STETHOSCOPE!!! || I learned how to use it + OFFICIAL BLOG DESIGN!

I got a blood pressure cuff and stethoscope and learned how to use it and i loveeeeee it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The night I got it David was over, and so he taught me how to use it!! I took everyone's blood pressure and it was great and now I'm the pro at it!!!! ( not to brag ;DD) It's a bright pink and I soo wish that I could've found an aqua one, but it's okay. I love it, and it's actually a good step to being a midwife!!! Here, this'll explain that a tad more..I memorized this. xD
Check her weight
Her blood pressure
Edema (swelling)
Check fetal heart rate
Kicking and fetal movement
Uterus size and measurements
Palpation (uhh, something..? ) :|

LOL, so I didn't have it completely memorized i guess xD
Anyways, that's what you would do at a prenatal. (I've went to a looottt of those with my Mom. :))

Oh, pictures! YUP YUP! They're comin'.

Now I've added this to my midwifery bag which now has a fetal doppler, aloe gel, pediatric stethoscope, adult stethoscope, and my bp cuff! XD

Hhehee, are you tired of reading about midwifery...? Sorry! I could ramle FOREVER. ABOUT. MIDWIFERY.

But hey, this is now my official blog design!! Do ya like it?

Okay. You're awesome--bye!!
(I wonder ow many times I've done an exclamation mark in this post..at least 63 times!)

waiting: Africa

While at the St. Louis zoo I got this beautiful handmade journal. (It's actually made from elephant poop, how cool is that?!?)

I've decided to open it when I'm on the plane to Africa.
But that is in 3 years or more.

Right now all I can do is wait.
and pray.
and learn as much as I can.

So I'm gonna do that! I'm gonna do everything I can to grow closer to Jesus and learn about midwifery, Africa, learn languages, etc. I'm officially learning French with the awesome Duolingo and I'm on level 3!! IT. IS. SO. AWESOME!! And I'm learning a lot!! When I get pretty far into it I want to start Spanish, and then Swahili. I'm literally so pumped about this and am sooo happy!!
I'm learning infant disease/genetic diseases that can be passed on. There's some interesting stuff! Also a lot of other stuff! =D I already have a midwife that says she will take me at 16, and I'm really excited about that too!
But of course if it's the Lord's will. I know it is the most important thing to keep Him in the center, things will go best like that, even if I don't think  so. ➴➵➶

So yep. That's it. Just sharing thoughts on what I'd love my future to be!!

    Do you have any prayer requests?
    What do you want to be when you're older?? =DD


ER trips + dealing with disappointment // THE STORY

I need to upload so many pictures that I think Imma gonna go crazy.

Ok, so I'm not sure exactly where to start. Things have been crazy.

Our house is crazy. A wreck is what it is.
Our kitchen is upside down. Remodeling.
School needing done.
All the craziness any one could imagine-yet more.
Trips to the doctor, and constant errands.
Being so disappointed I could cry.
Blood sugar testing after meals and every morning.
Worried expressions.

trying to just. breathe.

But God is still here, giving me those moments where we are happy and everything is fine and I can here His whisper, 'I am holding you. I've got this. Trust Me.'

June 1st {{the perfect way to start the month..not}}

I woke up at 5:00 in the most pain I've ever felt. I didn't know then how much worry that would later lead to.  I woke Mom up and by 6:30 we were at the ER. I threw up twice, but the pain wasn't a sick kind of feeling. The pain was what made me get sick. [anyways..]  They got me in really quick and gave me Ibuprofen and Zofran, and we were assured it wasn't appendicitis praise the Lord. But the Dr. found my blood sugar high, so he said we would need to follow up on that.   They did an ultra sound, and we later found out that the pain was a cyst. Thankfully it should go away without much trouble tho.
We got a bs testing kit and I pricked myself every morning. I was high. High enought to indicate type 1 diabetes.  (Of course we had no clue what else could play a role in high blood sugar yet..) That morning there was a LOT of crying. Lots of praying. My whole life felt different from that reading saying I had diabetes.  I continued pricking myself when I should and it was still high, yet funky. Once it got too low and I almost passed out. I chugged some pop and ate some white bread trying to get it up again. Things were just crazy!
A few days later we went to the Dr. and my blood sugar is completely normal as to my knowledge. We are still waiting on the result to get back from the lab. I've been fine since then, and they say that it was probably just high because of the pain I was in. (Hbs can be caused by allergies, illness, hormones, etc.) They HIGHLY don't think I have type one, which I am SO happy!!!!! 

So we've been remodeling our kitchen and it's been really stressful. We have to do so much and have EVERYTHING ready in 5 days.  That's why I haven't posted very much. 

Dealing with disappointment-
I've been feeling like I'm about to cry a lot. I found out that I wouldn't be able to meet someone when we go up to NE, and it has just been really hard. I wonder if they just don't trust me, or what? What is the point of being best friends if we can't even meet each other??
Idk, Maybe my expectations were too high, but this is what I know. That if my internet best friend was coming up right past where we live, then I would make every effort to meet this wonderful person. My parents I know would understand and without a doubt let us meet each other! We both have blogs and know a bunch about each other, and that we both without a doubt love the Lord with all our hearts.
I don't know why the Lord did this. I really don't want to offend any of you, I just can't keep going with these thoughts that I feel like I should tell you. I'm trying to just be honest and say what I feel.  
I'm trying really hard to just accept it, if this is the Lord's will. 

I did not expect this,
I hoped for something else.
Now I'm left without peace.
Let me know, Lord
that all understanding
and wisdom, 
are found in your wounds.
Show me that I,
 must trust
in You alone

                                                                                         Ever been to the ER?
                                                    Share your thoughts with me!!!
(p.s. Please don't be offended by anything  I said. I was simply sharing my feelings and don't want to hurt anyone. )
                                                     Love y'all!!! <33333


Project LOVE!!!

^snow cones with this awesome gal^

I told you...HE'S NUTS!!!

An amazing friend of mine made up a project that we are getting completely on fire from, called, Project love!!! (She's the best, jsyk!) 
It officially started June 1st. 
We are swapping ideas, and giving each other encouragement and tips this summer, and you can join in!! 

Ways to love a little more..

  • email people and ask how you can pray for them,  going back and forth with people on prayer requests can lead to amazing things and amazing new friends.
  • Go out of your comfort zone just a little. Start with a little, and gradually your confidence will build!
  • Love the people you know. Ok, by this I mean your siblings, your family, and people you don't talk to very much because..whatever, you name it. If you see someone that doesn't look like they're having a good day, ask them how they are. yeah they might ramble about how awful there life is but just listen. And that's what brings me to the next point,
  • LISTEN. Guys this is huge. Listening to someone can mean a lot, so try it, listen to someone ramble, listen to their story.
And of course all the acts of kindness go with this!! Truly a great way to sow someone that you care.

So let's do this together k?? It's gonna be an awesome journey, and y'all would be missing out to not come with me on it! 
Are you ready???
Let's do it. 


the picture in my Bible.

They are so vivid, jarred into my mind.
one detail
and I break down.

We were driving to town to get some things, just me And Mom, who was 20 weeks expecting with my second little sister. When she said, "I'm just going to go to the ER and assure myself she's okay, I haven't felt her much lately.". It had been a really busy couple of days always on the run somewhere.
We arrived, and waited until they called us back. The Doctor tried with a doppler first- nothing. So she went back to get an ultra sound. In that time I stayed in the room and prayed, giving her to the Lord, and praying for peace and His will to be carried out. But still, I would've never even imagined that something really was wrong. I had a mysterious peace the whole time though. 
The nurse brought Mom back, and the Doctor came in to tell us right away. 
"Did you find the heart beat?"
"No. I'm so sorry."

She started sobbing, and I just stood there, unable to grasp what we were just told. 
I told Mom she was with Jesus now, only a few minutes after we received the news. And that was the hardest thing I've ever brought myself to say. So much trust in a few words. 
We cried together for a long time, then Mom called Dad, and her Midwife, who told her what she could expect.
We went home and told everyone. I remember the sudden reality of never being able to hold my little sister alive until I get to heaven. I sobbed on that ride home. 
The next morning was New years day, 2016. So many smiles and tears that day.
It was decided I would go with Dad and Mom to the hospital. I wrote in my journal every chance I had and did updates. I posted on my blog asking for prayer. I read my favorite scripture over and over. {{Luke 8:50}} 12 hrs later things weren't looking good. 
But a little after, 11:51 p.m Mom called for the nurses, and a few moments later I saw my little sister. 
She was 11.5 oz, and 8.5 in. And the most perfect angel I've ever seen. Her nose looked just like Lilliana's, and I could tell she would've had the cutest personality! Her ears were perfectly formed, tiny hands and feet with little finger nails. And little tiny eyes and eyebrows. 
She was perfect. Nothing was wrong with her, she just stopped breathing.
She was so active on the ultra sound, and even waved at us!  The lady kept telling us how perfect she was, how strong and healthy little Faith was. 
I remember sobbing after she was born, I felt like I'd never stop crying and my eyes burned. I controlled myself though, and tried to be brave for Mom when she needed us most. I got her foot prints in my journal.
We brought her home, and everyone held her. Everyone still talks about her often, and Lilliana will often say, "I'm saving this dress for baby Faith, for when we get to heaven!".
We buried her under our weeping willow tree, in our front yard. <3
I couldn't ever call her a miscarriage.  We saw her, held her, and loved her more then I knew was possible. Any loss is hard. She was born sleeping. A still born. (Doctors wouldn't call her that since she wasn't full term.)
To this day I can't sing the song 'It is well' without crying. I miss her more than words could describe. 
When mom got pregnant with Micah, both of us struggled. I bought a doppler and checked his heartbeat whenever mom wanted. We named him very early. We cherished everyday. 

Our hearts still ache with sadness
And secret tears still flow. 
What it meant to lose you
No one will ever know. 

I love you little sister <3