6.02.2017

the picture in my Bible.



memories...
They are so vivid, jarred into my mind.
one detail
and I break down.


We were driving to town to get some things, just me And Mom, who was 20 weeks expecting with my second little sister. When she said, "I'm just going to go to the ER and assure myself she's okay, I haven't felt her much lately.". It had been a really busy couple of days always on the run somewhere.
We arrived, and waited until they called us back. The Doctor tried with a doppler first- nothing. So she went back to get an ultra sound. In that time I stayed in the room and prayed, giving her to the Lord, and praying for peace and His will to be carried out. But still, I would've never even imagined that something really was wrong. I had a mysterious peace the whole time though. 
The nurse brought Mom back, and the Doctor came in to tell us right away. 
"Did you find the heart beat?"
"No. I'm so sorry."

"No!"
She started sobbing, and I just stood there, unable to grasp what we were just told. 
I told Mom she was with Jesus now, only a few minutes after we received the news. And that was the hardest thing I've ever brought myself to say. So much trust in a few words. 
We cried together for a long time, then Mom called Dad, and her Midwife, who told her what she could expect.
We went home and told everyone. I remember the sudden reality of never being able to hold my little sister alive until I get to heaven. I sobbed on that ride home. 
The next morning was New years day, 2016. So many smiles and tears that day.
It was decided I would go with Dad and Mom to the hospital. I wrote in my journal every chance I had and did updates. I posted on my blog asking for prayer. I read my favorite scripture over and over. {{Luke 8:50}} 12 hrs later things weren't looking good. 
But a little after, 11:51 p.m Mom called for the nurses, and a few moments later I saw my little sister. 
She was 11.5 oz, and 8.5 in. And the most perfect angel I've ever seen. Her nose looked just like Lilliana's, and I could tell she would've had the cutest personality! Her ears were perfectly formed, tiny hands and feet with little finger nails. And little tiny eyes and eyebrows. 
She was perfect. Nothing was wrong with her, she just stopped breathing.
She was so active on the ultra sound, and even waved at us!  The lady kept telling us how perfect she was, how strong and healthy little Faith was. 
I remember sobbing after she was born, I felt like I'd never stop crying and my eyes burned. I controlled myself though, and tried to be brave for Mom when she needed us most. I got her foot prints in my journal.
We brought her home, and everyone held her. Everyone still talks about her often, and Lilliana will often say, "I'm saving this dress for baby Faith, for when we get to heaven!".
We buried her under our weeping willow tree, in our front yard. <3
I couldn't ever call her a miscarriage.  We saw her, held her, and loved her more then I knew was possible. Any loss is hard. She was born sleeping. A still born. (Doctors wouldn't call her that since she wasn't full term.)
To this day I can't sing the song 'It is well' without crying. I miss her more than words could describe. 
When mom got pregnant with Micah, both of us struggled. I bought a doppler and checked his heartbeat whenever mom wanted. We named him very early. We cherished everyday. 

Our hearts still ache with sadness
And secret tears still flow. 
What it meant to lose you
No one will ever know. 

I love you little sister <3

32 comments:

  1. Paige May6:18 AM

    Girl, my heart is breaking for your family and what you went through. I am so sorry and will keep you in my prayers as always. May God watch over you today.

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    Replies
    1. It's okay! <3 Thank you for praying! 💗💗

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    2. Paige May8:28 AM

      How old would little Faith be? I bet she is having a blast in heaven.

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    3. One in may. :'(
      I'm sure she is!

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  2. Don't make me cry, Paige!! *sobs* This post is so sweet- stories like these are sometimes hard to share- bu thank you for sharing it anyways- My Mom had a miscarriage too. She wasn't super far along, but it still was a miscarriage.
    Thank you for this post, girl! Heaven probably looks even brighter for you now!! =D
    Jaidyn Elise

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    Replies
    1. Sorry! (Hehe)
      It is hard to share, but part of me is happy that everyone can know what happened. I feel it's important to, for some reason. =)
      Awww, I really love what you said at the end! I guess heaven is brighter for us! <3 <333

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    2. That's fine!! (haha xD)
      That's good. =) Yeah, I understand that. =D
      It really will be!! I'm sure of it. ;)
      Jaidyn Elise
      P.S. Ariel did a vlog on her blog ( lol that rhymed.xD hehe)

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  3. Ohhhh, man.
    ...
    ...
    ...
    Paige, this was beautiful. I mean, seriously. A thirteen-year-old writing like this? So powerfully and eloquently? I JUST DON'T GET IT. And I lovelovelove how you are continually pointing us back to Jesus! You have a beautiful spirit and a beautiful heart, girl. <333
    I read your comment on Jaidyn's blog about why you had to go to the ER--how are you doing?
    -Ariel

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    Replies
    1. I just tried to write everything that happened. It's been in my head this whole past month, May is usually really hard. (If things would've went the way WE wanted them to go, she would be one in May.)
      Aww, thanks! So do you! <3
      I'm feeling a lot better. You're so sweet to ask! We're not 100% sure, and there could very well be a chance I actually don't have it. We'll see though!
      <3 <333

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  4. OOOOHHH!!!! Really!!? Well, I'll be praying that you don't have it! I be praying REALLY REALLY hard!! =D And, if you don't, we'll celebrate with ice cream, cake, chocolate, gummy candies, confetti, etc....
    Update us if you find out!! ;)
    Jaidyn Elise <3

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    Replies
    1. YEAH! so there's still some hope...xD
      Lol, if I ate all that I may just end up getting it after all, lol!! Jk, 😂😁
      I Def will! <33

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  5. YUP!! I'm glad there is!! Maybe this is God's way of asking you to test your faith in Him just a little bit stronger. ;)
    HAHA! Me too, lol. xD JK, as well. =P
    Great, thank you!!
    Jaidyn Elise

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    Replies
    1. Hey Jaidyn!
      What's your blog address? It's not in your blogger profile.

      -Ashley :)

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    2. Ah, yes Jaidyn!! That is a wonderful perspective! <3
      Ashley, her blog is private. I'd appreciate if you kept your comments to the subject of the post. Thanks! :)

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    3. Thanks, Paige!! =D <3
      Jaidyn Elise
      I'll get back to you in a minute, Ashley. =) I'm going to go see a friend right now. ;)

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    4. Hey, Ashley!! =)
      Actually, my blog is private, as Paige just said- but, if you give me the link to your blog, maybe my mom can look at it sometime, to decide if I can invite you. =) Thanks for asking!! =D
      Jaidyn Elise

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  6. Susanna Clemmer4:15 PM

    Hello, Paige!
    I just started following your blog just lately, through a friend that follows it, but I saw a post about your first little sister. I was wondering if I could ask a question? If you don't want to answer, don't. How did she die? I'm sorry, this sounds like a really rude, careless question, but I guarantee you it's not. That stuff is so sad, but I have a very tender part in my heart for people that are going through really tough stuff.
    This post was really sweet, also. Though I don't know you personally, you sound like an amazing girl, one that totally loves Jesus with her whole heart. And that is so cool! ♥
    ~ Susanna

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    Replies
    1. Hi Susanna!
      Not at all! There actually wasn't anything wrong, and nothing we could do. Her little heart just stopped beating. Doctors don't know why!
      Your question was just fine! I honestly find myself wondering the same with similar stories. Thanks for your comment! <33
      (BTW, this was one year ago)

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  7. This just breaks my heart, Paige. Loosing someone—especially a sister—in that was sounds so incredibly difficult. I'm not sure I could be so strong.
    But it's really amazing that you were able to experience that. There are so few people who truly know how it feels to hurt so much. To feel sooo much pain. Your pain is so beautiful. You are quiet about it, yet I can see it festers. And all the bad times in our lives make the happy ones ten times more beautiful.
    You're pretty rad, Paige. Keep on keeping on, love. <3 <3
    xx

    Sophy

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    Replies
    1. Yes, I don't think we would've been able to manage without Christ's promise.
      Your comment sounds so poetic!! But yes, that's exactly how I feel. I think that is def one of your talents. <33
      aww, so are you!!<3 <3
      Hey, do you have hangouts?

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    2. Yes. God is so good. <3 His plan is always so incredibly perfect!!
      Haha well thanks! Yeah I agree. I've always been more on the poetic side lol. xD I do good with poetic phrasing. xD
      Totally!! I would love to chat! :D Parshall202@gmail.com
      xx

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    3. yup yup!!
      awesomeness!! I just thought since me and Amelia were than maybe you had one too!! I look forward to hanging out with you then!!! =DD

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  8. Wow, this must be so hard for you, Paige. You have so much courage to share your thoughts and struggles though. Wishing I could send you a hug right now!!

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    Replies
    1. Thank you! <33 *hugs you*

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  9. WOW. I am so sorry. Mom my just had a baby girl. I love her. Thank's for this awesome post.

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    Replies
    1. It's okay.
      awww, you NEED to post a picture of her!!

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    2. I will soon!!

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    3. *squeals* Can't wait! ♡

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  10. Paige, this is so sad. <3 But, I'm sure Faith is having a wonderful time sitting on Jesus' lap today. Praying for you!

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    1. <3 I'm sure she is! Thank you! ♡

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  11. So sorry for the hard time you and your family have had to endure. <3 I know you look forward to seeing Faith someday. Remember His mercies and compassion are new every day!

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    Replies
    1. Awe, thank you. Yes, thank you for that. ♡♡

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